


Kiffy McKifFace

by redstapler



Category: Futurama
Genre: F/M, Gen, Memes, Yuletide 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 11:35:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8889247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redstapler/pseuds/redstapler
Summary: Amy sends her love to Kif in the best way she knows how: Popularity.Happy Yuletide, samsnow!





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [samsnow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samsnow/gifts).



In the big inky dark of space, a large, menacing ship moved across its planned path. Deep in the ship, in a small, cramped cabin, a small green man slept fitfully. That wasn’t a problem though: He always slept fitfully. His years of service had taught him that a deep, sound sleep was a rare treasure-- one he was apparently doomed to never hold in his hands. His sleep, though, wasn’t usually interrupted by proximity klaxons or warning beacons. No, it was usually--

“KIF! Fetch me a fresh tunic! I have soiled this one.”

The green man sat up in bed and softly groaned in the dark.

Another day had begun.

Kif had been a loyal officer of DOOP for twenty years now, and had spent most of them, regrettably, as Zapp Brannigan’s dogsbody. Each year that went by, he entertained thoughts of getting transferred, getting reassigned, or even just retiring and finding work as a civilian. The sad truth was, having hitched his wagon to Zapp, his reputation was just as checkered as his superior officer’s. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the charisma to shake it off. Zapp didn’t either, but he managed to skate by anyhow.

Honestly, his one bright spot was Amy. She provided him with the love, and let’s face it-- the confidence to keep on keepin’ on. Of course, being deployed around the galaxy meant he didn’t get to see her nearly enough, but they managed. They had to.

Kif pulled his own fresh tunic over his head, pulled on his boots, and made his way up to the Captain’s Quarters to attend to his...ugh. Duties. He didn’t even want to know what had caused this latest request. He really really didn’t.

The day’s saving grace was that they would be back on Earth before long.

 

* * *

 

In her office at Planet Express, Amy was turning the air around her blue, swearing in Cantonese. While this wasn’t entirely out of the ordinary, it went on for considerably longer than usual. Leela popped her head in, worried.

“Are you okay, Amy?”

“Yeah, I’m just having trouble with this stupid website.”

“What are you trying to do?”

“Well, DOOP started a thing where you can nominate officers for commendation by online poll, and I’ve been trying to get Kif in the top ten.”

“Aw, that’s sweet, Amy! What’s the commendation?”

“It’s usually just an acknowledgement of service, but the nominations are full for all the ones Kif would be a shoo-in for.”

“Oh dear, what’s left?”

“The Boaty McBoat-Face Popularity Award.”

“I...see. Well, at least it’s an award with a long and proud tradition behind it!”

“I know, but...Kif? Popularity?”

“Yeah, that is a tough one. Well, how’s the competition?”

‘It’s not too bad, to be honest. A lot of newbie no-names, but you know how fickle these things are. Unless…” Amy got a look in her eyes that Leela did not like one bit. She had a terrible feeling she knew what was coming next.

“Leela, can I ask a favor?”

“You want me to ask Zapp to help.’

“Would you ask Zapp to help?” Amy said at the same time, putting on her cutest pleading look. Leela sighed and told herself it was for Kif, who could always use the cheering up.

“Fine. But only as a favor to Kif.”

“Yay!” Amy jumped and hugged Leela, who very awkwardly returned the hug.

“Don’t thank me just yet. Who knows how helpful Zapp will actually be?”

History had shown the answer was usually “not very.”

Amy went back to attempting to use her wide social network to get Kif the votes he needed, while Leela girded herself to call Zapp. The things she did for friendship!

Or at least, workplace harmony.

 

* * *

 

Leela decided the best place to make the call would be from the ship. You know, so it looked like she was even a little busy. Planet Express was in one of its “quiet periods,” which basically meant “no business at all.” (Hermes was getting a little nervous, but he wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet.)

Once on the bridge, Leela hailed the Nimbus, already cringing with whatever slime Zapp would smear all over the comms. Metaphorically. She hoped.

Zapp’s face in all its horrible glory came up on the display.

“Why, it’s the lovely Leela! Kif! Where’s my anti-shine powder? I can’t take this call with my skin all reflecty like this!”

“You look fine, Zapp.” (He didn’t, but she wanted to get this over as quickly as possible.) “I’d actually like to speak with you privately, without Kif, if I could?” Leela cringed; she knew exactly how encouraging that sounded.

“Why Leela! Want me all to yourself after all, eh?”

“Cram it, Zapp. I’m calling to...ugh...ask a favor.” Zapp’s eyes twinkled with scheming delight. “But it’s for Kif!”

“Kif? What does he need a favor for?”

“Amy is nominating him for the McBoatface, and we were hoping you could help promote the nomination?”

“The McBoatface, eh? That’s a very prestigious award! Why, if my first officer received the McBoatface, it could raise my-- I mean the whole crew’s image!”

“So you’ll do it?”

“On one condition!”

“I’m not going on a date with you, Zapp!”

“Go on a--oh. Are you suuuuuuure I can’t entice you to join me for a dinner?”

“No, Zapp. Fry and I are engaged, remember? And even if we weren't-- no!”

“Well, I’ll help you anyway. For the glory of the crew! And also me!”

“You’re all heart, Zapp.”

“I am, aren’t I?” Zapp preened and somehow looked even more smug than usual.

“Ugh. Goodbye, Zapp.”

“Wait! Do you have someone managing the campaign?”

“Uh, of course we do!” Leela hoped Zapp didn’t see through this blatant lie. She’d figure it out.

“Excellent! I’ll have my people call your people, then. Ciao!”

“Uh, ciao?” Zapp’s connection broke, and the screen blinked back to standby.

“Great,” Leela said to an empty bridge. “Now I need to find a media-savvy campaign manager.”

“Did you say a media savvy campaign manager?” Leela nearly jumped out of her skin. She was sure she’d been alone on the ship.

“Jeez, Bender! Warn a gal before you appear out of nowhere, will you?”

“Sure whatever. Are you trying to manipulate someone’s social standing using the internet? Because I’m really good at that!” Bender wiggled his fingers and quickly rotated his hands at the end of his wrists. Leela suddenly got visions of people’s lives being mixed up like so much batter in a Kitchen Aid mixer.

“We uh...actually we are? You want to help? You want to help people who aren’t you?”

“Nah, I hate helping people. But manipulating people sounds like fun on a bun! Who are we making popular?”

“Kif.”

Bender started laughing so hard he nearly had to reboot.

 

* * *

 

Later that evening, the conference table at Planet Express had become Kif-McBoatface Campaign headquarters. Leela got everyone’s attention.

“Okay team, does everyone know what they need to do? Amy?”

Amy saluted Leela and read from a clipboard. “I’m going to post on all my social media channels asking for my followers to vote for Kif!”

“Excellent. Bender?”

“I’m calculating new algorithms that make suggestions to vote for Kif and uploading them into the code for websites all over the place. Kif’ll have supporters on the website for Oil Cans Illustrated, right?” Leela and Amy glanced at each other and laughed nervously. “Ha ha, don’t worry. I’m making sure to hit Beer & Cigar Magazine, too!”

“Sure, Bender, that’s just fine.” Leela made a mental note to redouble efforts on less Bender-centric sites. “Okay, and last but not least! Fry, what have you got?”

Fry looked up from where he was dividing a cup of paste between his mouth and the many half-finished posters spread out in front of him. The cup said, “Elzar’s Craft Paste! Now Definitely 100% Edible!” Otherwise, Leela would have taken it from him. Probably.

“I’m going back to basics! Posters! Flyers! Sandwich boards! I’m gonna tell everyone I know!”

“All right, grassroots style! Nice job, Meatbag!” Bender clapped Fry on the back just a little too hard, causing Fry to choke on his latest bite of paste. Leela sighed and looked at the clipboard in her hands again.

“And I’ve started accounts across multiple social media channels and pre-scheduled posts that will go out every 25 minutes. This is so much fun! I made a spreadsheet!” At the mention of spreadsheets, Hermes popped his head into the room.

“What’s goin’ on here? Are you usin’ company resources for personal matters?” Leela hid her clipboard behind her back, as Amy hid her phone at the same time. Bender lit a cigar, and Fry casually took another bite of paste. “Fry! You know that paste is only to be used for business purposes and company potlucks! Now what is going on here?”

Amy sighed and stepped forward. “It’s my fault, Hermes. I nominated Kif for The McBoatface award and they’re all helping me with the promotional campaign.”

“The McBoatface award! You mean the second best award! Jamaica never forgot the slight on our people in the very first McBoatface. The original McBoatface!”

“How were Jamaicans slighted with the original McBoatface awards, Hermes?

“One of the other nominated names would have brought glory to one of our heroes. Alas, it was not meant to be. We've never forgiven the fact that “Usain Boat” lost to “Boaty McBoatface!” It don’t make no sense!” Murmurs of agreement went around the room.

“Well, I guess we’ll pack up and head to the bar to continue working.” Amy started packing up her laptop. Fry starting gathering up his supplies and somehow managed to spill a closed container of glitter. Hermes, meanwhile, got a thoughtful look on his face.

“Now wait a minute! You said this was for Kif? A McBoatface?”

“Yeah?”

“Great giant squid of Madrid! That boy needs all the help he can get! You’re welcome to use this space all you like. It’s about quittin’ time anyway.”

Amy hopped up and down while clapping, then threw her arms around Hermes’ neck. “Oh, thank you, Hermes! If he wins, I’ll make sure you’re thanked in his acceptance speech.”

“Don’t mention it. I’ll make sure to share your posts too, Leela. See if we can’t get the limbo community behind him.”

“Even the Jamaicans?” Amy asked carefully.

“I’ll see what I can do. Now get back to not work, people!”

On the bridge of the Nimbus, a message alert came up on Kif’s screen.

“Congratulations!” It read. Kif raised an eyebrow; he wasn’t used to receiving personal messages, let alone ones of congratulations.“You have been nominated for a McBoatface award!” the message announced. Kif began to splutter.

“Oh, this is so unexpected! A McBoatface! Me? How? Why?” The rest of his monologue trailed off in a litany of adorable gasps and vocalizations. He was so flustered, he didn’t notice his superior officer approach.

“At ease, gentlemen!” No one had gotten up when Zapp had arrived on the bridge. “Kif! I heard you receive word that you’ve been nominated for a McBoatface! I wanted to offer my congratulations, and to promise I will do everything in my power to ensure you win it! No effort will be spared!”

Kif blinked at Zapp. Was this real life? Was Zapp pledging to do something selfless? Seriously?

“Yes, my first officer receiving a McBoatface will truly be the finest feather I could ever call macaroni. Fetch me a hat, I need to eat dinner from it!” Nope, there it was. Kif sighed and went to get a hat. “Kif! Make sure it’s one of your hats! That’s how much I care!”

Sure. Why not?

 

* * *

 

Kif had barely left the bridge when every klaxon on the Nimbus went off at once and the ship rocked from an impact. This made perfect sense. The night had clearly been going too well. Kif kept walking towards his quarters-- he knew that if he showed up back on the bridge without a hat, it wouldn’t matter who’d boarded the bridge, it would be all Zapp would talk about.

He returned to the bridge, hat in hand, just in time to see Lrr of Omicron Persei 8 holding Zapp by his collar. This would have been a fine sight, except it made Zapp’s tunic ride up just enough to show the whole bridge...everything. Ugh.

“Hello, Lrr,” Kif sighed.

“I am Lrr! Ruler of the---”

“Planet Omicron Persei 8, yes we know. What do you want this time?”

“Another of your Earth Shows has stopped suddenly, and I want it fixed!” Surprisingly, Lrr winked. At Kif! He shifted his grip on Zapp’s collar to one hand and fished in a pocket in his cape with the other. He handed Kif a piece of paper, then put one finger of his lips in the universal symbol for “cram a bastard in it.”

Kif looked confused, but played along.

“Oh for the love of...Lrr, I thought we’d fixed this problem by getting you intergalactic cable?” Kif opened the paper and nearly lost his composure. In terrible handwriting, the note read:

KIF,

ZAPP ASKED US TO HELP WITH THE MCBOATFACE THING. PLAY ALONG.

-LRR, OP8

Only Zapp would stage a publicity stunt that could have a potential body count. How hard had the impact been, anyway? Kif hoped there hadn’t been a hull breach. The next Nimbus replacement ship wouldn’t be ready for another six months, and they’d only just gotten this new one.

“The problem _is_ with the intergalactic cable! It went out days ago, and the company can’t tell me when a tech will be out within a reasonable timeline!”

“And what timeline did they give you?”

“They told me a tech would be there sometime in July between 10am and 5pm! It’s only March!”

“Lrr, that’s just how the cable company is. I’ve been on the list to have a tech out for ten years. Of course, every time they replace the Nimbus, I get kicked to the back of the line. I’m the only senior officer without cable in their quarters!”

“It’s true,” Zapp spluttered. His tunic kept riding up. The bridge had nearly a full view of his girdle. Kif wondered if that had been a part of the plan, and he was almost--almost-- touched. “Also, I keep telling the techs I’m Kif and having them fix up the cable in my quarters. I’m sorry, Kif!”

Lrr shook Zapp again, blessedly bringing the hem of his tunic back down to acceptable levels. “Quiet, Brannigan! Also, that’s not cool. Well, if even the great KIF KROKER OF DOOP can’t get a cable tech out, then I guess I’ll just have to go and storm their offices or something. All right, Omicronians. Pack it up! Sorry for all the uh...trouble.” Lrr unceremoniously dropped Zapp on the ground, and he and his troops headed back to their own ships. Zapp coughed from his faceplant on the ground.

“Well. That went well. Kif! Help me to my quarters? I think my nose is broken. Wait! Not my nose! The other thing! My penis!”

Kif groaned, but helped Zapp up and back to his quarters anyway.

Once behind closed doors, Kif whispered to his...friend? Sure, let’s go with friend.

“Thanks.”

Zapp waved him off, and Kif went back to his own quarters to get some rack time.

The next morning, Kif was woken up by the sound of every single one of his devices going off at once. He groggily reached for the one most likely to be Amy trying to reach him. Luckily, he got it in one.

“My love! Hello!’

“Kif! Have you seen the news?”

“The what? No, what happened?”

“The Omicronians threw their support behind you for the McBoatface! You won by a million votes!”

“Oh! Oh frabjous day! Oh Amy, this is wonderful! I’ve never won anything before!”

“Congratulations, my love. What are you going to do with your winnings? Oh! And be sure to make it back to Earth for the award ceremony!”

“I will, I will. You’ll be there with me, yes?”

“Oh, of course, Kiffy! I wouldn’t miss it for anything! I love you so much. No one deserved this more than you!”

“Oh, oh my….” Kif was unable to reply further, but his skin cycling through every possible pattern in the room more than spoke for his emotions.

He, Kif Kroker! He’d actually won an award!

As part of the notoriety Kif gained from winning the McBoatface, he was finally able to have a cable tech out. He shared the love and had one sent to Omicron Persei 8.

He figured it was the best way to thank Lrr, after all.


End file.
